One for the focus groups

Dear Rainbow Men,

I have a new set of commandments for you.

From this day on, thou shalt NEVER discuss policy or strategy or "the way forward" without holding these simple facts close. They must guideth you in everything. They must be the basis for every future step.

We'll call them the "Dog and Duck Dictionary"

1. "Labour in the 70s were way too commie. They didn't like people who were successful or tried to be."

2. "Maggie was what the country needed in the 80s. The unions had got out of control and she sorted it. She wanted people like me to get on."

3. Foot was a bit scruffy and Kinnock was a bit ginger

4. That Maggie turned into a bit of a nutter didn't she? She sold off our assets and destroyed our public services. Poll tax finished her off.

5. Major was very grey. Tories can't be trusted. They commit perjury and embezzle council house funds and sleep around and sit on too many boards selling arms or tobacco.

6.  Blair was the most popular politician of our time. He won three elections and represented people like me. My house made me lots of money and life felt good.

7. Iraq killed something in British politics. All that expenses scandal confirmed that they're all lying, stealing, corrupt, self-serving, gits. Labour stopped being very Labour. That Blair turned into a bit of a nutter didn't he?

the final three commandments are still under discussion. No final verdict has been reached, so I'll give both strains of conversation down the Dock and Duck.....


8. The Americans caused a massive credit crunch that rocked the world. Gordon Brown saved the financial system and restored growth. It didn't really affect me much til the Tories got in./ Blair and Brown spent too much. They didn't fix the roof while the sun was shining did they? They spent and spent then claimed the answer was to spend a bit more!!

9. Coalitions are a total stitch up. That Clegg is a lying, power-mad Tory and the Lib Dems are selling their souls for a ministerial jag. /Coalitions are quite good. At least we've got the Libs in there making it a bit better. I like seeing politicians working together.

10. The Tories proved once and for all that they are an out-of-date elitist joke. I'm never trusting them again with our public services. The economy has been destroyed and they haven't got a bloody clue what to do about it. I'm never voting for them again. EVER./ Labour are doing what they always do. Bickering amongst themselves. They've got no answers and things are getting a bit better under Osborne. They're a joke They broke this country and I'm never voting for them again. EVER

There, that's the narrative of the last 40 years. I don't think the Dock and Duck missed much out.

However much you might wish or believe any of them to be untrue, it won't change things a jot down the Dog and Duck. They are the Squeezed Middle. They are Mondeo Man and Worcester Woman. They are Alarm Clock Britain and Broken Britain. They are left and right, red, blue, green, yellow, orange, pink and purple.