Spoonie Revenge Party

Oh how we laughed!!

Last night, no doubt a little hysterical on bank holiday levity, we held a virtual, twitter, spoonie** party.

Imagining the day when we win our fight. (and we will win because we're right), we decided the best punishment for ministers past a present would be if they had to live our lives for a year.

The suggestions rolled in thick and fast - Messrs Osborne & Cameron, Ms Miller and those from the past such as Purnell, and Field could serve the drinks at our celebration, then be shipped off to their new lives to see exactly what they did.

Obviously, they would only have £65.40 per week to live on until their "assessments" had been carried out. If they fail the assessment, they will have to survive on nothing at all until the tribunal is heard. Even if they pass, we'll just start the whole procedure all over again, "assessing" them endlessly to the point of despair.

We'll find them nice little slums on a sink estate somewhere, where obviously, their property will have to be sourced from the lowest 30th percentile of housing stock. Then we'll tell the neighbours they're all scroungers and skivers taking advantage of their hard earned tax money, inciting a nice bit of hate crime along the way.

They won't be able to get out of bed or clean themselves unless someone turns up to help, but no-one will turn up as the care packages will have been cut. They'll have to lie in their own mess for days on end until someone comes. As a solution, we could suggest they simply use incontinence pads at night until someone turns up one day to change them.

They'll have to live on microwave food or just plain toast and tea - they won't have the energy or money to cook. They will be woken up for two or three hours every night and forced to watch the shopping channel.

We won't waste a chance to tell the Daily Mail or Express how they're getting on. We'll remind everyone weekly that they are subjects of suspicion - lazy, workshy layabouts who let us all down.

They won't ever have any spare money for holidays to Ibiza or a nice week skiing in Klosters. No new clothes or nights out, no car or Sky TV. Then we'll tell them there's been a mistake - they acted fraudulently and they need to pay back the pitiful £65.40 a week they've been cheating.

We might take their children away. If they don't manage to turn out shiny, scrubbed, well fed, well dressed little darlings despite their terrible poverty; if they can't manage to look after them properly through the constant pain and despair, we'll threaten them with social services at every opportunity.

They will have to use a wheelchair wherever they go, but first, they'll have to jump through hoops for at least four months to get one in the first place. Until then, they'll just have to stay home. Once they do achieve wheely-mobility, we'll insist they use only public transport to get around and make sure there are as many steps and inaccessible public spaces as possible. Nonetheless, if they manage such daunting challenges, we'll simply classify them as "fully mobile" and take their money away.

Obviously all of this will only show them our lives on the outside. They won't feel our symptoms or understand our pain. We could certainly insist that they ingest the vast numbers of medications we have to take and deal with the myriad side effects that come with them. After all, it wouldn't really be reflective if they too didn't have to battle daily against addiction or dependency and be labelled as junkies or addicts for succeeding.

We can make them wear those weighted suits to give them some idea of the exhaustion many of us feel. They can drag their bloated costumes around every minute of every day, wondering how on earth they're even going to get from the sofa to the toilet.

Except we wouldn't do this would we? Not even for a year. Because despite their best efforts, we're still human. We wouldn't even make politicians live the way they expect us to. It would be cruel, callous, disgusting. It would reduce us to bitter, nasty, thoughtless people with no empathy or compassion.

No. When we win, we'll just set about putting the whole sorry mess straight and making sure that none of them are ever allowed to go anywhere near Westminster or a policy document again. And we'll hope that they never truly know what they've done.

I'm not sure they could live with the shame.


**Spoonies are those who are perhaps more unwell than disabled. Those who struggle with long term, degenerative or progressive conditions. Read more here : http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/