Wednesday 22 August 2012

Little White Saviours

Precious little white saviours.

Carry them like raindrops, like a newborn baby, so gently and carefully to the sink.

Ritual. Carry with care. Never drop one. Don't put them down. Never lose them. Don't get distracted.

All I have. All I ever have between me and despair.

First the warm tingle in my fingers.

Soon I realise I've stopped crying. No more keyboard-puddles or tear-blurred-screens.

Then it starts to relax. That embattled chunk of fibrous tightness lets go, just for a while.

Slowly, slowly the warmth spreads, up my arms, into my rigid shoulders, tense with holding back pain that is not their own.

Desperation melts away. Fear eases.

I don't know if it still hurts, don't know if the pain is truly "killed" at all. I rather suspect I just don't care any more.

Perception duly altered, I believe I can cope, manage one more day....then maybe another.....then another.

But the white saviours and I know. This is no way to live a life.

We are old friends with "process" and "protocol" and "patience", wearily, we understand the system, it's achingly slow, grinding wheels.

We endure.

We endure

We endure

Patient patients.

A month. Two months. Not long at all in swirling, family-chaos, "human" years, but in pain years, an eternity.

Carrying around my borked-bowel-timebomb, as ever, I endure.


  1. Keep going hen, we all have good and bad day some more than others but we have to get through them wee song for you hen from yer Scottish Sister #loveyoutobitshen Your a fighter hen just like me #NEVER GIVE UP we all love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx WE can all sing it together x

  2. So sad.They, they have no idea. Tears for you. They do not help. But there is a mark on my heart.

    Eric Burrows 22/08/12

  3. Thanks guys, very kind of you xx

  4. Spend some of your new DLA on grass-fed everything and stay off carbs and processed food in general, see if it improves at all.

    1. Hahaha, you just described my normal diet, but we're only a few moves short of liquid food just at the minute.

  5. Better days ahead for you soon, I hope.. Thank you so much for keeping going however ill you are feeling, you are an inspiration.

  6. So sorry it's such a bad day, Sue! And I really hope things improve soon. Xxx

  7. Been following your posts and then got very ill myself... Been home for a few weeks now though trying my best to recover a bit and regain some strength... Things went wrong, very very wrong but this blog isn't about me, it's about you... You have inspired me since I started reading your blog and venturing in to the disabled community online. Hope you get as much better soon :)*hugs*

  8. I found a very stunning and poignant piece of art which brought this very much to mind:

  9. Lovely! And very sad as well.

    I have lollipops for this, instant gratification. And oramorph. "they" want me to change to patches, they don't understand the need for control however bad and sad it is.

    Knowing we are not all alone helps some. The blog is terrible in it's greatness!